How OK Are We Really?
Gosh! I knew it had been ages since I had posted, but I didn’t realise it had been over a year! I have had a rough year and have thought of posting many times but haven’t had the words to get across what I want to communicate. The few times I have had the words come to me, I have been in an inopportune place like the shower or driving! (so typical!).
To be honest, I am feeling pretty rubbish at the moment. There have been so many tough things that have hit me this year, the most recent being a diagnosis of long-covid, following a chest infection that wouldn’t (and still won’t) clear up. I have spent the last month on courses of 4 different antibiotics and steroids, and the cough hasn’t responded to any of them! I am so exhausted, mentally and physically from everything, yet I hate to not be doing things. Trouble is, at the moment, my head does not seem to have the capacity to do anything. So, I am stuck between a rock and a hard place; with a body and mind that want to be busy doing things, yet the same body and mind seem completely incapable of doing anything useful! What to do?! (shrug emoji)
Isn’t it hard when people ask how you are, and you are anything but fine? Our pre-programmed response, the one we deem societally acceptable, is to say we are fine; yet that is a lie. We are far from fine, but if we admit that, we are usually met with an uncomfortable response from someone who either doesn’t really want to get involved but were trying to be ‘nice’ by asking after our welfare; or by a well meaning friend who cares, and wants to make things better, but doesn’t have a clue how to go about doing so. So, we lie and say we are ‘fine’ or ‘ok’ because don’t want the other person to feel uncomfortable. What a strange society we live in!!
So this year has been one difficulty after another in our household. We started the year with a lovely celebration for my 40th birthday, but a few days later we came down, one by one, with covid. As it happened one at a time, we had a poorly household for over a month, and then no sooner had we got over that, we discovered our lovely daughter, aged 14, had been self-harming for some time. The next few weeks were a frantic rush of trying to get her the help she needed and get her enrolled in some counselling. At the same time, we were trying to sort out problems that our 12 year old son was having with bullies at school, which were causing him anxiety too. I felt like I didn’t know if I was coming or going! I am fairly sure that the school must have got sick of seeing my e-mails in their in-box. If it wasn’t one child, it was the other!
After Easter, amidst the ‘fun’ we were already having, dealing with our children’s problems, a friend noticed the high probability that I have been living with ADHD. As I began looking into it, I immediately recognised the signs in our daughter too, and we were both put onto a waiting list for diagnosis. The more I learn about ADHD, the more I am beginning to understand myself and my life in a new light, but I also feel a sort of grief for the time I didn’t know that was what I was dealing with. Amidst everything, I also discovered that a therapist I had been seeing for a few years has been sent to prison for abusing their clients. I was knocked for six at the news. I have self-referred for some counselling to help me process everything, but at the moment, I just feel that life has hit me from all directions at once.
I always try to look on the positive side of life and stay on top of things, but lately, I have been admitting to people around me that I am struggling. I wonder how many friends will stick close by, and how many will find me and my baggage just too much to handle. If you are my friend, and you are reading this, please know that I love you very much and don’t want to add to your stress. Please bear with me and I’ll come through this. If you, like me, are in the habit of saying you are ok, when you really aren’t, please do talk to someone about how you are really feeling. Feel free to contact me or leave a comment.
Lots of love,